The newest variation of the witness protection program

I will admit, I am not the neatest person around. My guest room/office still has clutter, though I am slowly weeding out unneeded paper and clothing. Less is definitely more, and I often wonder why I'm hanging on to certain items or papers. Luckily I have to get the guest room ready for 2 separate family visits, and I always work best with a deadline, so the rest of the mess will be gone by the end of June.

So I may not be the best role model. But I have no idea where the uncontrollable slob gene showed up in Princess' DNA. I have dubbed her room "the clutter witness protection program." Need to lose something fast? Make it disappear? Unrecognizable? Never to be found again? Put it in Princess' room. I guarantee you, you will never ever see it again.

Case in point:

Tomorrow she is showing at an away horse show. First missing item: leg garter. Second missing item: sister's garter she tried on, but never returned. So now two kids have incomplete sets. But the one thing that sent me over the edge tonight was her missing show blouse. I know I washed it, I know I gave it to her. Could she find it? No.

What we found:
- Between her bed and the wall - dirty laundry, including multiple socks and underwear, stuffed animals and random paper
- Between the end of her bed and her hope chest - more dirty laundry, water bottles (verboten), food (even more verboten), hangers, books, her digital camera, more random papers
- The corner between the end of her bed and her closet - piles of stuffed animals, yet more dirty laundry, more random papers, books, toys, broken jewelry making kit, and a ton of other crap including more forbidden drink and food containers.

What we did not find? Her show blouse.

Two hours later, after much yelling, tears, and searching, we finally located the missing blouse: behind her dresser. Yep, always the first place I look for items that should hang in her closet. Sigh.

I'm at my wit's end. I don't ask for perfection. All I want is her floor to be clear so we can walk in there without breaking something. Dirty laundry in the hamper. Random papers in the trash. That's it - she can deal with the rest.

Is that too much to ask? Please, enlighten me. Because I'm ready to completely purge her room except for a bed. If she's lucky.

Help!

"This isn't where we were supposed to be"

I'd been a fan of Jon & Kate Plus 8 until last year, when the reality show seemed to take a more commercial turn. The early episodes covered the challenges of raising twins and sextuplets, from potty training to learning how to do chores. It was charming and cute, and yes, I'd cringe when Kate would berate Jon in various situations. Despite the stress and the bickering, you still got the sense that this was a couple who loved each other and their children, and they were in it together.

Not so today, as depicted on last night's season five opener. It was painful to watch the tension between Jon and Kate, juxtaposed against a festive occasion, the sextuplets fifth birthday. I'm not going to offer an opinion of who is right or who is wrong; you can Google the Gosselins and come up with hundreds of links to hundreds of opinions on the subject. Family tension and discord is painful, and unfortunately the children are eventually affected. I went through a divorce 17 years ago, no children involved, and it took me a long time to recover. I can't even imagine going through that pain in public, while trying to raise eight young lives who never asked for this to begin with.

My hope for the Gosselins is that they can reach some peace in their marriage for their family, away from the cameras and the scrutiny. They've invested too much to let it go.

You know summer is coming when ...

You can actually sit through an entire soccer practice without being wrapped up in a coat, gloves and a blanket.

The line is really long at the ice cream place on a Thursday night.

The dogs spend the morning lying baking on the driveway in the sun, and the afternoon in the shade trying to cool off.

You keep the windows open at night and close them in the morning, and the house stays comfortably cool all day.

You still hear the thump, thump, thump, swoosh of the basketball in your driveway at 8:30 at night.

You can work from your deck, thanking the late spring gods for warm breezes, a cool drink, a laptop and really good wi-fi.

You attend the end of year chorus concert, recorder concert, and the school academic fair in the same week.

Your younger daughter finds a caterpillar and makes it a home inside a Dixie cup, complete with grass, leaves, a stick and a large wood chip.

How do you know when summer's coming?

Now that's gratitude

Me and Sweet Pea, August, 2007

Sweet Pea: "I'm glad you found dad and had me made. If you'd found someone else, I might've been a boy. Eeesh."

Me too, honey. Me too.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em ...

My daughters have been riding horses for almost 4 years. Every week, we are either sweating or freezing at the barn, moving between indoor and outdoor rings while the girls trot, canter and jump over fences. They've both fallen several times, including Sweet Pea's falling twice in the last two weeks. Princess began showing last summer, and suffered a setback last year when she was thrown several times from the same horse. Show season started two months ago, and Princess will be in her first away show at the end of May. Sweet Pea also wants to show, so she'll start competing in open shows in the fall.

I'd become friends with other riders my age, who take lessons on Saturdays right before Princess, and they started to tease me: "C'mon, CT Mom - when are you going to join us??" I'd laugh and say, "Yeah, that's all you need, the oldest rider ever on lead line, being led around the ring by an instructor - forget it!"

Then the barn posted a notice about a Mother's Day special, promoting a discount group lesson for the younger riders and their parents, and I started thinking, "why not?" One afternoon, I pointed to the sign and said to the girls, "You see that? That I will do." The girls were thrilled! But I told them I would do the group lesson on one condition - that I took a private lesson first before we all rode together. Far be it from me to look like an idiot in front of my girls (yes, I know, who am I kidding?).

So I took my first private lesson on Tuesday ...

(I'll wait while you finish laughing at the vision of a 40-something mom in a riding helmet and jeans getting on a horse for the first time. No, really, I can wait.)

... and I loved it. Yes, my legs hurt for two days after. But I was surprised at how much I actually knew based on watching my girls all these years, and now I understand what the instructor means when she gives certain directions to the riders. Tonight I watched Princess' lesson, and totally got what she was doing. Princess is not sure whether this is a good thing or not.

I can't wait to get back on again.

And before you ask the question, no, we are not buying or leasing a horse. Yet.

Mothers' Day Guest Bloggers

Today CTMom gets the day off. CTDad, Princess, and Sweet Pea are guest bloggers today.

Mothers' Day, by Princess

Moms - When you hear that word you either see a picture of your Mom or, all the things mom's do such as cook and clean. Well today on this special holiday, Mothers' Day those chores will be taken care of by the family. CTDad will be doing the laundry. Sweet Pea and I will be cleaning our rooms with no compaints whatsoever (which will be very hard by the way). Sweet Pea will be singing with the children's choir at church for Mothers' Day.

Oh. so now picture this Mothers' Day morning. CTDad is chopping veggies for CTMom's omelet and I am in the den writing this on a legal pad to give to CTMom to put on the computer as a gift. Sweet Pea is in the basement recording her card and will then help CTDad with CTMom's breakfast.

We decided to do something different for CTMom's present this year. While we were at the mall, we couldn't find things we thought would be perfect for CTMom. At first, Sweet Pea and I found Mother-Daughter bracelets at the Hallmark Store. So we each picked out one and brought them to CTDad. Here is how that went:

Princess: Dad, look at these!
CTDad: (Looks at them, eyes squinted)
Princess: They're Mother-Daughter bracelets!
Sweet Pea: One from each of us!
CTDad: But then she'd have two.
Princess: So? She'll where both.
CTDad: Mom doesn't really wear bracelets, not sure she likes them.
Princess/Sweet Pea: Oh (then run back to where they found the bracelets)
The end.

So we are going to give her:
A day at the spa while we do the laundry
A Mother Daughter Horseback riding lesson
A picnic if it is not too cold
3 Blog posts from us
A "life is good" t-shirt with a horse to where to her first riding lesson

Got to go Mothers' Day awaits.

The Top 10 Reasons Why I Love My Mom - By Sweet Pea
About Me at Age 8: Sweet Pea
Favorite Colors: Pink and Gold
Food: Cupcakes
Book: Series - Baby Mouse
TV Show: Fairly OddParents

About Me at Age 4:
Favorite Color: Yellow
Food: Cookies
Book and TV Show: Dora the Explorer

Here are my top 10 Reasons I love my Mom

10. She reads me books
9. She helps me with my homework
8. She makes me laugh by surprising me
7. She taught me to say Spanish words
6. I love to here her sing "Happy Birthday"
5. She finds time to bring me to soccer
4. I know she cares because she reminds me to brush my teeth
3. I know my Mom is smart because she is a lawyer
2. She works hard at cooking
1. She's the best Mom ever!!

CTDad's attempt at blogging.

I can probably count on one hand the number of notes or letters that I have written for CTMom in the 15 years we have been together (other than the usual “pick up milk” or “your Mom called” notes). I feel the same way about writing that Princess feels about math – I am not any good at it.

But on this Mothers’ Day, Princess, Sweet Pea, and I are taking pen (keyboard?) in hand and commandeering this blog to give you all some insight into the CTMom that we know and love.

First – some of the endearing idiosyncrasies:
She laughs while watching TV or reading something humorous on the web. This are not just small chuckles, but guffaws that can carry from one end of the house to the other and that remind me of the “Ha!” that ALF used to make on that old sitcom. But it lets me know she is enjoying herself.

She also talks to the TV in such a way that I don’t know whether she has said something that requires a response from me. - “were you talking to me? I’m the only one here so you must be talking to me”

She dances around the house when she thinks no-one is watching. While we were dating I caught her dancing down the stairs of my house to Billy Joel’s “River of Dreams”. I only dance around the house when I am trying to embarrass Princess.

She is a napper – at least an advanced amateur if not approaching professional. We are not sure of the cause but it may have something to do with trying to catch up on episodes of “Oprah”, “Real Housewives of New York City”, or “Brothers and Sisters” or watching an old movie on AMC. Princess, Sweet Pea and I were discussing which Disney princess they were most like (Belle or Ariel for Princess, Snow White or Belle for Sweet Pea) when we determined CTMom was most like Sleeping Beauty.

She can recite the dialog from many of her favorite movies verbatim. Now everyone can recite a few key lines from popular movies, but… can you perform “When Harry Met Sally” all by yourself? This is a trait that Princess has picked up as well – she can’t remember her homework or to pick up her room but can recite dialog from a movie she has seen once. She’s something of a cinematic savant.

She is one of the few women I have met that can truly appreciate “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”, “Stripes”, and “Caddyshack”.

She tries to be tough with the dogs and use a low “alpha dog” voice, but I had to tell her that her soprano is not going to get low enough.

She has a wonderful voice and I love to attend her concerts even though the music genre is not normally something I would listen to. She doesn’t always want to go to rehearsal and will tell me every mistake she made during a performance, but I know that music is something she truly loves.

She has named her GPS – Gladys.

She actually roots for the Red Sox – not just going along because I am a lifelong fan.

After 15 years together she still wants to spend one-on-one time with me.

What I Thank Her For:

A whole set of nice in-laws. Not everyone likes their spouse’s family – they put up with them because of their spouse. I don’t have that problem – she has a wonderful family.

CTMom takes care of our finances. Yes the weekly whining of Suze Orman is annoying but I am convinced we wouldn’t be where we are if CTMom depended on me to take care of them. Even though I tell people that the real reason is because she would drive me crazy when I tried to do it.

CTMom has her music, friends, and fellow bloggers to give her a social outlet that she probably doesn’t get from me. I am a loner by nature and not very social so if she depended on me to feed her need for social contact – she would starve.

She knows when to leave me alone – usually the first 20 minutes after I get home from work, when I am stressed or when I am doing home repair (usually more due to the colorful language in this case)… and she knows when to offer assistance.

CTMom handles the family events calendar. I use a Blackberry synced with Outlook and Lotus notes just to keep track of my stuff. She knows enough to send me an email with dates and times I need to get on my calendar, and yet I will still probably ask several times.

She lives with the unfinished projects in our house. I have been s l o w l y repainting the woodwork in our house – for 3 years.

CTMom does the laundry – and there is a lot of it – Sweet Pea and Princess have yet to discover that a piece of clothing that has been on for less than an hour does not necessarily need to go in the hamper, neither does the articles of clothing that you just don’t want to put away right now. It’s not that I can’t do laundry, I am known to throw in the occasional load and have folded a basket of clothes while CTMom bites her tongue while wanting to tell me how to fold her jeans, it’s more that I don’t want to if I can help it. I would rather do the lawn, sling mulch, clean the garage, weed the garden, or rake leaves than do laundry.

Parenting – we do share responsibilities here - often taking turns playing “bad cop” to the other’s “good cop”. But she is better at comforting the girls when they get scrapes and cuts. She also takes them for haircuts, shopping trips to Limited Too, Justice, etc. CTMom is also better at letting the girls discuss differences of opinion than I am. Now with all the kids activities, we can be like ships passing in the night. But are starting to perfect our version of the child hand-off.

She is a good role model for the kids, she is strong, smart, attractive and independent – traits I want my daughters to grow up with.

So, CTMom, Happy Mothers’ Day and know you are appreciated, loved and cherished even though we don't always say it enough.

I love you. -CTDad

"Can I offer you a mint?"

As you all know, this has been a rough few days for the CT Family. With two wakes and two funerals, we had our share of tears, hugs and time with extended family. I drove all over Connecticut and western Massachusetts, ate my share of junk food and drank enough Dunkin' Donuts to keep a college dorm full of students up for a week.

The hardest thing that my sisters and I did was stand in the receiving line at my stepmother Sue's wake. There were two 2-hour sessions, and the funeral home was expecting a large crowd - there were police directing traffic and the line seemed endless. It was amazing to us how everyone knew Charlie, Sue's husband - he grew up and worked in town, and was very active in Scouting and his church. Each person we met either worked with Charlie, was a church member, or one of several generations of Boy Scouts that Charlie guided in one way or another. In addition, a large group from Sue's company drove in from upstate NY to express their condolences. The outpouring of support for Charlie was tremendous.

**Warning - this is the part of the post where I say a couple of irreverant things, just because I was tired and punchy at the time, and, as Dolly Parton says, "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." So if you don't want to think lesser of me, you may want to stop reading. But if you've ever been in my situation, then read on ...**

With emotions running high and the somberness of the moment, as it always happens, I find something funny. And my sisters find something funny. All the while we're trying to find something original to respond to "I'm so sorry for your loss" while also trying hard not to think about all the hands we're shaking and the swine flu (my aunt mentioned this one). There were the times when my sisters and I would sit, Charlie would say, "and these are Sue's stepdaughters" and we would get up in one unified motion. People would react with such a delighted "Oooh!" so often that I finally referred to us as "the four stepdaughters, the eighth wonder of the world."

Then there was my oldest sister, known as mysterious Passenger 44, the person who went on Charlie and Sue's group trip to Argentina last August, but never really stayed with the group. Whenever someone introduced themselves as being a part of the Argentina ski trip, my sister would say, "and I'm Passenger 44!" We suggested that she had a special T-shirt made.

And finally, my younger sister learned that she should not offer a person a mint while he is talking to a mourner. Sue's oldest brother was standing next to her in the line, and while he was chatting with a young visitor, she innocently offered him an Altoids. The mourner burst out laughing so hard that the more she tried to stop, the harder she laughed. The offer was innocent, not a whiff of halitosis in the air, but the offer struck the mourner as funny, in that irreverant, "I know I shouldn't be laughing but I can't help it!" Her laughter was contagious, and soon we were all laughing with her, grateful that we could finally release some of the giggles and energy that we'd been holding back all evening.

That visitor's laughter was the best offer of condolences we'd received all day. Sue was always happy. In the solemnity of the occasion, it felt good to let joy show.

How do you take the measure of a life continued ...

Sue and Sweet Pea at Sue's wedding, 2004

In June, 2004, over 400 people gathered in a park under a beautiful blue sky to watch two people marry. One of them was my stepmother Sue, who found love again five years after caring for my father during his one year battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). The other person was Charlie, a long-time bachelor who found his soul mate in Sue. As they said their vows, dozens of balloons magically flew up into the sky behind them. While the balloons were not a planned part of the ceremony, it seemed a fitting expression of the joy of the day, where love really seemed to conquer all.

This Wednesday, we expect that as large a crowd will gather as we say goodbye to Sue, after a two year battle with cancer. She was my stepmother, my daughters' grandmother, and my close friend. When she married my father in 1992, she also got four grown daughters in the bargain. We embraced Sue immediately, and loved her energy, her spirit, her firm hugs and positive outlook on life. No matter what life threw her, Sue found a way to make the best of it. When my father was diagnosed with ALS in 1998, she did not let that stop her from helping them enjoy their new home by a beautiful Massachusetts reservoir, adapting everything to my dad's deteriorating condition. After my father's death, Sue remained an integral part of our lives. As our family grew - weddings, grandchildren - she was right there with us, sharing in our joy. Sue was devoted to my grandparents, and a close sister to my aunt. We were thrilled when she found love with Charlie, and were happy to enfold him into our family.

Sue had great plans for her life. She was going to retire early, spend time with Charlie, travel, rent a house with us on Block Island. When she was diagnosed with cancer in 2007, she went through treatments and finally underwent a stem cell transplant this past September. This was our hope; she was supposed to be cured. But it did not take. And so the chemotherapy continued.

On Thursday, the morning of my grandmother's funeral, we received the news that Sue decided to discontinue treatment and go into hospice at home. Less than 24 hours later, she was gone. One of the ironies of these last few days is that my grandmother never knew that Sue was sick. Sue never knew that Abuelita died. And yet, within 5 days we lost them both.

It's hard to put into words how Sue's death is affecting our family. Sweet Pea is taking this very hard. She has a Tupperware bowl full of rocks that she gathered last summer at Grandma Sue's house. She asked me not to remove them from her room; as she says, they are her last connection to Grandma Sue.

To understand how much Sue meant to us and what we meant to her, I leave you with this story:

My younger sister and I spent several hours Thursday night and Friday morning cleaning their home, putting together photo collages and later picking out Sue's final outfit. While looking in one of the closets, my sister found a first communion card and gift prepared for her youngest daughter.

Sue's funeral is Wednesday. My niece's first communion is the following Saturday.

We miss you Sue. With all our hearts. If love is the measure of a life, then Sue and Abuelita had it all.

How do you take the measure of a life?

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that the last few days have been very sad for me and my family. Last Sunday, my 93 year old grandmother passed away. She lived a good long life. Abuelita, as we called her, immigrated to this country from Argentina in the 1950's, with her husband and three children (including my father, her oldest child). Over the years, her children married, and gave her seven grandchildren (I was number two) and eleven great-grandchildren (including Princess and Sweet Pea). Abuelita was the sunshine in our lives, always positive, always filling us up with food and stories. She was married to my Abuelito for 68 years until he died in 2006. At that point, dementia had set in, so she never remembered that Abuelito passed away unless she asked, "Where's Papi?" We would tell her, she would be sad for a moment, and then forget. For that, we felt the dementia was a blessing, as she would have been heartbroken without her beloved husband.

So if you measure a life in years and experiences, you could say that Abuelita's life was long and fullfilling. In terms of family, her life was full of love, surrounded by children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren to love and fuss over.

But how do you measure a life cut short too soon? Not a child's life, but an adult who was looking forward to retiring early, spending her life traveling and experiencing life with her extended family and friends, but did not get the chance?

To be continued ....